In 1998, I was a new newly-commissioned Coast Guard ensign, having spent four very challenging and high-pressure years at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. My first assignment after graduation was a nightmare, and after a few months, I was completely overwhelmed, severely sleep-deprived and seriously contemplating suicide by a single-car crash or drowning (since I could make either look like an accident). My life was a failure, would not improve, and I was a huge burden to my shipmates. My best days were behind me. I didn’t deserve to live. That was my perspective for two months. I finally broke down and confided to my ship’s doc (in tears) that I knew I would harm myself if I remained in that awful environment. It was scary to admit to anyone that I was in crisis, but surprisingly it was a huge relief to acknowledge it with people who cared. I got the help I desperately needed, and that’s what really mattered.
It took a while to get back to my usual upbeat creative self, but I learned a ton about resiliency and self-compassion in the process. Most importantly, I discovered and internalized that my life has value no matter what. Back then, if I could only have seen my life ahead -- that I would meet my amazing wife Jocelyn four years later, or that I would have two amazing kids, and a career and community I love -- maybe the tough times would’ve been easier to bear...I don't know. I can only tell you that people very much cared about me and wanted to help me, even if it didn't seem like it. And the same goes for you. YOU matter...and YOUR life has value, no matter what.
I picked up some great insights about myself thes past two decades….I now know that sleep deprivation can trigger depression for me, so an easy life change has been to always try to get a good night’s sleep; an inexpensive insomnia prescription, Trazadone, makes all the difference. And eight sessions of really friendly, casual cognitive therapy counseling in 2018 taught me a ton about myself and how to finally process some of the tough things from childhood and my Coast Guard time -- stuff I hadn't realized I’d just buried away but was still negatively affected by. It was awesome to finally talk through those issues, so I highly recommend connecting with a counselor for a few sessions (especially for military veterans - most of us have a lot of pent up stuff to deal with). Plus most insurance plans will cover it -- I know UNI's plan does. Trust me, it's well worth having a trained counselor's assistance if you have things to work through!
If you’re dealing with depression, and especially if it’s reached the level of suicidal thoughts, I hope you can see you’re not alone here.Whether you're just thinking about the idea of ending your life, or actually have a set plan in place, find a friend, family member, pastor, coach, or counselor, and let them know what’s going on...not later, but right away. I can tell you, your Future-You will thank your Current-You, just as I'm so grateful to Past-Me. You’re not alone. You matter -- and your life has value, no matter what.
And if you're not comfortable reaching out to people you know, here are other ways for help:
- National Suicide Lifeline - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
- Crisis Text Line - Text "Hello" to 741741
- If a UNI Student: 319-273-2676 (press "2" for a crisis counselor 24/7)
- LGBTQ 24/7 Crisis Help Line: 1-866-488-7386
And please feel free to share this story with those who could be encouraged by it.